The Truth about Break Ups.

The moment I ended our phone call, I immediately got out my journal and jotted down all the trinkets from our relationship that I loved: times I laughed until I cried, moments I never felt more in love or connected to him, and the those raunchy, dirty instances when my body ached and yearned for more. In the other column, I listed all the things I detested and had overlooked because the rose-coloured glasses I sported were tinted with a blinding hue. Things that only became apparent after the piercing sound of the dial tone and my new acclaimed singlehood. 

I turned on Khalid, tapped into the melancholy of his voice, and wept. Wept for what didn’t work, for what could’ve been, and for all the pent-up optimism about the story of us that I’d held onto for our almost 2 years together, that was swept away in a matter of minutes. 

And then I was ok. 

I was more than ok, I was happy. But, the issue with that is, people are quick to assume that I’m lying to myself, or that I’m heartless and they proceed to provide unsolicited advice about the breakup process as if it’s one dimensional. 

They attempt to find cracks in the foundation that would explain the demise of the relationship. They search for things that aren’t there because oftentimes, acceptance at face value is just too dull and inconvenient for those onlooking.

The truth about love is that sometimes it just doesn’t work. You can love and love with all the cockles of your heart and it still might not end in holy matrimony. You can still end up alone, blogging from your bed, in your sweats about yet another love contested. And that’s ok. 

Love is a choice that you make every. single. day and sometimes you have to choose to love yourself FIRST, more than you could ever love another person. Our wants and needs change as we do, and that change is not limited to your relationship status. 

Looking back, I definitely teeter-tottered between whether or not I was ready for my happily-ever-after at 24. I had doubts about the alignment of our goals and if my globetrotting esprit would conflict with our future as a couple. I envied my friends that were wild and free, enjoying the single-life and I admired my friends that were still head over heels in their long-term relationships. 

But, just like consent, if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s a no. 

We tried and tried and in rugby terminology, that means you were successful at grounding something. And although feeling grounded used to mean feeling at home and at peace whenever I was with him, our limbs and lips intertwined, I’ve regained that feeling alone with myself. For myself.

I will always be in love with love and the idea of it, and I will always be grateful for the love story I created with him, but for now, the only narrative I’m interested in, is the one where I end up complete and utterly happy.

And that’s the truth.