Solar Return.

“Despite being proud of the thing I’ve accomplished and the places I’ve seen, it still doesn’t feel like enough. I’m alone. Confused about love and broke. Unfulfilled. Unloved. Birthdays used to accompany so much joy and optimism for the future, now it’s just another day. Friendships dwindle, Facebook posts and well wishes reduce year after year and when the clock strikes midnight, it’s just you. You’re left alone with time and remnants of your fleeting youth; pleas for a simpler time. I wonder if he’ll message me today and what it’ll say. Will it be an obligatory message, or does he still think of me – 2 years ago to the date, on my back, ready, willing, and vulnerable in the backseat of his car.  The beginning to a year’s worth of laughs, commitment, and the possibility of an future. Today’s not about him though, yet he’s managed to occupy a lot of it. 

☼

Good god is this country ever breathtaking. I have to remind myself that not even the sky is my limit. You’re only 25. You’re allowed to be sad and cry, but don’t let it consume you. I’m so grateful for the woman I am and the life I’m trying to create for myself. Watching the clouds roll in as the sun disrupted the darkness of the morning sky on another year, is a profound reminder that despite the tears and all, I’ll be ok. Appreciate the falls of rain just as much as you bask in the rays of the sun, they’re both a lesson.” 

—   Excerpt from my journal, Age 25

Mount Batur, Bali, Indonesia

Even though I’m unemployed, spent months indoors just like the rest of you and I’m well aware that the world is up in arms, part of me is peaceful. I’m crying as I type this, so I’ll repeat it, I’m at peace. I don’t need to have it all figured out, I don’t need all the answers or all the money in the world. I just need to love myself and trust my personal process. 26 looks like memories, laughter, and healing. Manifested in the form of polaroid pictures, my nieces’ smiles, dancing naked in front of a mirror to any and all Aminé or Kiana Ledé song and my mom endlessly telling me how proud she is.  My Self-serving 20s are far from over, but I have already learned and evolved so much so I’m only looking ahead. Stepping into my power and while I blow out these candles, I know that my internal flame is burning brighter than ever.

Happy birthday 🎈